Why I hate a QAM tuner

I've known about QAM tuners for a long time now, and even had one in my old 53" projection HDtv I sold a few years ago, but I never really grasped how much I despised them. Until now.

I just bought a new 32" LCD for our bedroom after getting the wife's permission. If you're married, you understand, if you're not, you will learn. When I was picking it out, I specifically chose one that included a QAM tuner, as I know the power it holds for cheap people like me. A QAM tuner can tune in unscrambled digital signals on a regular cable line, so you can pull HD content (or SD digital content) without having an external solution, such as a cable box or rabbit ears. The trick is, content that is available via broadcast OTA (over the air), and thus free, is mandated by law to be provided by the cable companies over their lines. So you get your PBS broadcasts, FOX, CBS, ABC, and NBC affiliates, sprinkled in with some others you never knew existed. Now while they won't tell you this, it is a fact, and if you don't believe me, then buy a tv with a QAM tuner, plug into your regular cable outlet, and look for yourself. Only thing is, you'll soon come to hate your new QAM tuner, just like I did. Let me explain...

For a geek like me, there is no greater joy than kicking back watching a show in all of its HD glory. You can often find me switching back and forth between the HD and SD broadcasts of the same show, so I can remind myself every 2 minutes how great it is. Except for when I'm watching Lost, and if anyone changes the channel, they get an evil stare, because I'm a non-violent person, on the outside anyway. This unhealthy love of HD leads you to watch things you never intended to. I now love watching the WRAL news, because it's in HD. That, and now you can see it when they have pimples and wrinkles...just like real people. Just the other night, a Daughtry concert was on PBS in HD, and it was frickin' awesome, especially when I had to turn down the brightness of my tv because of the bright reflection of his bald head.

But just like the force, there is a dark side to all of this HD magnificence. Consider when you're at home on a Thursday morning, and there is nothing on except Judge Judy wannabes. You want to find something worth watching, anything, so you venture over to the channels the QAM picked up...but you know better....but you can't resist the urge. You find someting. In HD. You think, can it be? You watch for a moment, thinking how great it is to not be at work, but sitting at home watching HD tv, then it hits you. You're watching The View. You quiver, you shake, you vomit in your mouth. You look away, but something forces you to look back. You have an internal struggle about what to do. On the one hand, there is something on in HD to watch. On the other...IT'S THE FREAKING VIEW. Matthew 18:9 comes to mind just ask you muster up the intestinal fortitude to extend the index finger up the remote, and slam it down on the power button before you can be further infected. I would rather go through the torture scene in Syriana before having to watch this abomination again.

So there you have it, in one fell swoop, the beauty of having a built-in QAM tuner is ruined by a bunch of sour-faced hussies crying about how miserable they are. They should just all be put in prison and have to live with this guy for breathing. Oh, and for making me stomach them for more than 3 seconds. But I guess it's not their fault, it's all the QAM's fault for finding them in HD. I hate you QAM.